Help?

How do you ask for help when you don't feel like you deserve it?

Not because I did something so wrong I feel I need to suffer, I am not really sure the reason I feel that way.

So many people I know spend so much time complaining and ranting that "they never and catch a brake" or "no one will ever give them a hand" and I guess I could say the same things (I don't...but I could) but would it even be fair to, because I mean I have never asked?

The problem is it's not even the asking for huge favors, free things or money (I mean yeah I would never) it's just general negotiations I find stressful because for some reason I feel like I am asking for some huge thing, how do I change that? 

I don't really think so but maybe who knows...I think it's the guilt thing, but then there is still the why?

I know the easy answer would be I have pride issues or self esteem issues, and I guess that's totally plausible but it feels more like guilt, and the odd thing is I don't know what I am guilty over, guilty because I need help, or because I shouldn't need help or because so many people have it worse off or because it takes away from someone to help me? I DON'T KNOW?!

Is this normal? Can I change it? Can I hire someone to deal with this shit so I don't have to?

Whatever 

UGHHHH but kinda not?

Hello sister!

As you pretty well know this weekend was not so good...

it started amazing, we were supposed to go see out dream apartment and it was going to be nice out and Adam was coming for a visit...but then

Friday we were told the apartment was off them market 

Saturday I got my period a week and a half early 

the silk in the kitchen broke and we had the deal with the land lord for 5 hours trying to get it fixed

We thought it was fixed then Sunday...it broke again...eventually we fixed it

But like woah holy shit weekend! What the f? Oh and on top of all that one roommate was MIA (that was pretty okay actually) and the other had his girlfriend there and decided with an iffy sink in play to cook 3 huge meals

(no seriously before we got the draino in Sunday while we were out he cooked breakfast used 2 fry pans and I came home to a sink full of soggy hash! Like oh you know what will help the clogged sink? Probably not your food scraps! and the other 2 meals were ham dinner and lamb?!)

But here's the thing....are you ready?

It didn't wreck my weekend, like I managed to be (mostly) calm, relaxed and happy. Joe and I still had fun and enjoyed our time together, we made gluten free food, hung out outside and went to whole foods, and even in Whole Foods no one had a melt down (normally we both do, that place is a nightmare).

I am not really sure why, maybe just feeling relived that it seems as though we have figured out whats wrong with Joe (knock on wood), maybe because we have decided that no matter what we are leaving (even though apartment hunting is constant disappointment) I don't know, but I hope it keeps up, because before this weekend I was a mess, totally depress and stressed all the time. Life is hard and I am not an optimistic, "look on the bright side" kind of person and even if I think we are doomed and that the world is getting more and more unfair, if I can have good weekends like that I think it will all be okay hah....maybe...probably.

Welp okay, talks to ya soon!

Just a reminder