No Goals.

The goal blog has turned into a "let-me-justify-why-I-gave-up-on-my-goals" blog instead.  I feel like there is always something and I can't catch a break.  I wish I could say that's how I feel 'lately' but I actually feel that way the majority of the time.  It’s not really a great way to live, maybe there is truth to the sayings

‘optimism is key’

‘keep your head up’

‘things will get better’

‘you have fall down to get back up’

Yeah I’m sure it’s good for moral but does it really make a difference?  I don’t WANT to be so negative, maybe I’m just a Debbie Downer by nature, wired that way or depressed.  How do I get to the root of that and really change it?  Not just for a day or a week or a month but how do I make positive living a reality?  A permanent reality?

I feel like there is a constant anchor holding me down, whether it be financial burdens, a dicey relationship, envy, etc.  I don’t know HOW to let those things go.  I can say I’m going to, but is there actually a way to really do it?  Is it some magical made up state of being that doesn’t really truly exist? 

It feels that way.

I guess, to start, I need to remember this;

Others will ALWAYS have things and lifestyles that I never will and that’s ok.

I can blame literally everyone, but it’s nobody’s fault but my own that I feel the way I do.

I don’t ever need the approval of anyone but myself because what other’s think or say about me does not make a difference.

My number one priority for my family, friends and myself should be love and nothing less.

I will never gain anything by dwelling in the bad.

HP

PS It does feel that so many problems could be alleviated if we were not constantly in a panic about money though.

Help?

How do you ask for help when you don't feel like you deserve it?

Not because I did something so wrong I feel I need to suffer, I am not really sure the reason I feel that way.

So many people I know spend so much time complaining and ranting that "they never and catch a brake" or "no one will ever give them a hand" and I guess I could say the same things (I don't...but I could) but would it even be fair to, because I mean I have never asked?

The problem is it's not even the asking for huge favors, free things or money (I mean yeah I would never) it's just general negotiations I find stressful because for some reason I feel like I am asking for some huge thing, how do I change that? 

I don't really think so but maybe who knows...I think it's the guilt thing, but then there is still the why?

I know the easy answer would be I have pride issues or self esteem issues, and I guess that's totally plausible but it feels more like guilt, and the odd thing is I don't know what I am guilty over, guilty because I need help, or because I shouldn't need help or because so many people have it worse off or because it takes away from someone to help me? I DON'T KNOW?!

Is this normal? Can I change it? Can I hire someone to deal with this shit so I don't have to?

Whatever 

UGHHHH but kinda not?

Hello sister!

As you pretty well know this weekend was not so good...

it started amazing, we were supposed to go see out dream apartment and it was going to be nice out and Adam was coming for a visit...but then

Friday we were told the apartment was off them market 

Saturday I got my period a week and a half early 

the silk in the kitchen broke and we had the deal with the land lord for 5 hours trying to get it fixed

We thought it was fixed then Sunday...it broke again...eventually we fixed it

But like woah holy shit weekend! What the f? Oh and on top of all that one roommate was MIA (that was pretty okay actually) and the other had his girlfriend there and decided with an iffy sink in play to cook 3 huge meals

(no seriously before we got the draino in Sunday while we were out he cooked breakfast used 2 fry pans and I came home to a sink full of soggy hash! Like oh you know what will help the clogged sink? Probably not your food scraps! and the other 2 meals were ham dinner and lamb?!)

But here's the thing....are you ready?

It didn't wreck my weekend, like I managed to be (mostly) calm, relaxed and happy. Joe and I still had fun and enjoyed our time together, we made gluten free food, hung out outside and went to whole foods, and even in Whole Foods no one had a melt down (normally we both do, that place is a nightmare).

I am not really sure why, maybe just feeling relived that it seems as though we have figured out whats wrong with Joe (knock on wood), maybe because we have decided that no matter what we are leaving (even though apartment hunting is constant disappointment) I don't know, but I hope it keeps up, because before this weekend I was a mess, totally depress and stressed all the time. Life is hard and I am not an optimistic, "look on the bright side" kind of person and even if I think we are doomed and that the world is getting more and more unfair, if I can have good weekends like that I think it will all be okay hah....maybe...probably.

Welp okay, talks to ya soon!

Just a reminder

Will you join me?

Adult things are hard sister!

I just want to be super rich?

How does one do that?

I am okay with not being rich basically I just want to be able to buy all the clothes and shoes and  makeups and cute apartment things (and afford an apartment) like I don't need a billion dollars just like million maybe? 

Ah well...oh well?

I really need to stop "window" shopping online...but work is so boring it's hard. 

I just really want a new wardrobe like all new everything! 

I keep buying pieces and then being like "I have nothing to wear this with"

and so I wear the same 2 outfits over and over!

What an I going to do when it's too hot for oversize sweatshirts? 

(/don't get me wrong I want summer but I don't want to have to start thinking about what I throw on in the morning)

Anyways every time I feel like this I try and tell myself that instead of buying cloth I should just work on looking really good naked.

(witch totally doesn't make sense because I am obviously not going to walk around naked but I think maybe I trick myself into thinking that if I look really good I wont care that I have dumpy clothes or whatever)

So anyways I get myself all psyched to like everyday: dry brush, oil pull, lotion, wash my face, eat really well, work out, and so on...

Then to like have spa night where I do body wraps, hair masks and do my nails...

And I am pretty sure all of that would sorta distract me form compulsively shopping however I never get around to doing it...how is papering and relaxing so hard?

I get home cook and cook still all excited to do these things and boom I get and I am done.

How does that happen?

So my beautiful wonderful little sister, lets say we work out "together" twice next week and have one spa night maybe tonight maybe Sunday?

I wish we could really be together but since that's a little hard if we do it at the same time its sorta like we are together in spirit..."when you look at the moon know I am looking at the same moon and we will be together" ya know and other sappy stuff from movies or whatever?

Let me know! we can do a spa night pic post together?

Peace (of pie) out, home-fry! 

(it's lunch time sorry)

Oh Hellooooooooo

Hey little sister!

 I just read your post (I know I am sorry I totally suck), I know what you mean,

Life is scary and when you are a grown up it's so much harder to convince yourself to take risks...But I know you can do it!

I was just telling Joey last night that I was sorry for constantly talking about moving but I do it because I feel if I don't constantly talk about the things I want I will just get lazy and forget them...

Mom was saying some crazy "if you believe it it will happen" crap (I say crap because I really don't think that's how the world works and am a little scared because I know she does, oh well) but then read a pin this morning:

I think that's more how life works vs. the believe and it will happen stuff...

So basically what I am saying is all this stuff can be scary but...working towards the things you want even on the days it all seems hopeless doesn't have to be some "grand leap of faith" sort of thing, it can be re-writing the plan, or making a list, or just talking about it or even looking at studio apartments on pinterest for ideas...it may seem like all the little plans and lists hold you back and at times they might but sometimes that's all you can do, some days/weeks/months are too hard and overwhelming and you need some safety and comfort during those times planning isn't holding back it's keeping the dream/goal/idea alive!

Don't be discouraged, chin up, one foot in front of the other, big goals and lots of lists!

(OCD life motto...no really my list making is getting a bit insane)

ADVICE: 

Easy to give, hard to follow...

Luck to us both on this and I may try to post again this week since this is really just a response to your post.

I gotta go, byeeee

Yin & Yan

I’ve been thinking about the two ways I look at my life, one part of me is constantly looking at how serious situations are.  I’ve come to learn this is my negative side.  This is the part of me that doesn’t want to get hurt, to take risks or to move forward.  After all, if you are comfortable where you are, why should you move? 

But then there is my second half that reminds me that I only get to live once so who the fuck cares what people think of me, what I wear, where I live?  This is also the side that pokes at my curiosity, my creative self, the part of me that wants to do something totally irrational because it could lead to a happier me.

I am finding it really hard to stay true to the half that makes me happy, that lets me live without fear.  THAT is the person I long to be.  If I sit here, sulking, complaining and lusting over what I don’t have then I will never feel happy, I will never feel complete.  I want to really work on reminding myself that every little thing doesn’t matter. 

Life is not as serious as my mind makes it out to be.

I don’t want Bear to grow up taking the safe way, being afraid and not living to his full potential so why should I?  I am vowing that if I don’t like something, I will change it.  If I cannot change it, I will move forward. 

I will not hold myself back.

-HP