No Goals.

The goal blog has turned into a "let-me-justify-why-I-gave-up-on-my-goals" blog instead.  I feel like there is always something and I can't catch a break.  I wish I could say that's how I feel 'lately' but I actually feel that way the majority of the time.  It’s not really a great way to live, maybe there is truth to the sayings

‘optimism is key’

‘keep your head up’

‘things will get better’

‘you have fall down to get back up’

Yeah I’m sure it’s good for moral but does it really make a difference?  I don’t WANT to be so negative, maybe I’m just a Debbie Downer by nature, wired that way or depressed.  How do I get to the root of that and really change it?  Not just for a day or a week or a month but how do I make positive living a reality?  A permanent reality?

I feel like there is a constant anchor holding me down, whether it be financial burdens, a dicey relationship, envy, etc.  I don’t know HOW to let those things go.  I can say I’m going to, but is there actually a way to really do it?  Is it some magical made up state of being that doesn’t really truly exist? 

It feels that way.

I guess, to start, I need to remember this;

Others will ALWAYS have things and lifestyles that I never will and that’s ok.

I can blame literally everyone, but it’s nobody’s fault but my own that I feel the way I do.

I don’t ever need the approval of anyone but myself because what other’s think or say about me does not make a difference.

My number one priority for my family, friends and myself should be love and nothing less.

I will never gain anything by dwelling in the bad.

HP

PS It does feel that so many problems could be alleviated if we were not constantly in a panic about money though.

Help?

How do you ask for help when you don't feel like you deserve it?

Not because I did something so wrong I feel I need to suffer, I am not really sure the reason I feel that way.

So many people I know spend so much time complaining and ranting that "they never and catch a brake" or "no one will ever give them a hand" and I guess I could say the same things (I don't...but I could) but would it even be fair to, because I mean I have never asked?

The problem is it's not even the asking for huge favors, free things or money (I mean yeah I would never) it's just general negotiations I find stressful because for some reason I feel like I am asking for some huge thing, how do I change that? 

I don't really think so but maybe who knows...I think it's the guilt thing, but then there is still the why?

I know the easy answer would be I have pride issues or self esteem issues, and I guess that's totally plausible but it feels more like guilt, and the odd thing is I don't know what I am guilty over, guilty because I need help, or because I shouldn't need help or because so many people have it worse off or because it takes away from someone to help me? I DON'T KNOW?!

Is this normal? Can I change it? Can I hire someone to deal with this shit so I don't have to?

Whatever 

UGHHHH but kinda not?

Hello sister!

As you pretty well know this weekend was not so good...

it started amazing, we were supposed to go see out dream apartment and it was going to be nice out and Adam was coming for a visit...but then

Friday we were told the apartment was off them market 

Saturday I got my period a week and a half early 

the silk in the kitchen broke and we had the deal with the land lord for 5 hours trying to get it fixed

We thought it was fixed then Sunday...it broke again...eventually we fixed it

But like woah holy shit weekend! What the f? Oh and on top of all that one roommate was MIA (that was pretty okay actually) and the other had his girlfriend there and decided with an iffy sink in play to cook 3 huge meals

(no seriously before we got the draino in Sunday while we were out he cooked breakfast used 2 fry pans and I came home to a sink full of soggy hash! Like oh you know what will help the clogged sink? Probably not your food scraps! and the other 2 meals were ham dinner and lamb?!)

But here's the thing....are you ready?

It didn't wreck my weekend, like I managed to be (mostly) calm, relaxed and happy. Joe and I still had fun and enjoyed our time together, we made gluten free food, hung out outside and went to whole foods, and even in Whole Foods no one had a melt down (normally we both do, that place is a nightmare).

I am not really sure why, maybe just feeling relived that it seems as though we have figured out whats wrong with Joe (knock on wood), maybe because we have decided that no matter what we are leaving (even though apartment hunting is constant disappointment) I don't know, but I hope it keeps up, because before this weekend I was a mess, totally depress and stressed all the time. Life is hard and I am not an optimistic, "look on the bright side" kind of person and even if I think we are doomed and that the world is getting more and more unfair, if I can have good weekends like that I think it will all be okay hah....maybe...probably.

Welp okay, talks to ya soon!

Just a reminder

Will you join me?

Adult things are hard sister!

I just want to be super rich?

How does one do that?

I am okay with not being rich basically I just want to be able to buy all the clothes and shoes and  makeups and cute apartment things (and afford an apartment) like I don't need a billion dollars just like million maybe? 

Ah well...oh well?

I really need to stop "window" shopping online...but work is so boring it's hard. 

I just really want a new wardrobe like all new everything! 

I keep buying pieces and then being like "I have nothing to wear this with"

and so I wear the same 2 outfits over and over!

What an I going to do when it's too hot for oversize sweatshirts? 

(/don't get me wrong I want summer but I don't want to have to start thinking about what I throw on in the morning)

Anyways every time I feel like this I try and tell myself that instead of buying cloth I should just work on looking really good naked.

(witch totally doesn't make sense because I am obviously not going to walk around naked but I think maybe I trick myself into thinking that if I look really good I wont care that I have dumpy clothes or whatever)

So anyways I get myself all psyched to like everyday: dry brush, oil pull, lotion, wash my face, eat really well, work out, and so on...

Then to like have spa night where I do body wraps, hair masks and do my nails...

And I am pretty sure all of that would sorta distract me form compulsively shopping however I never get around to doing it...how is papering and relaxing so hard?

I get home cook and cook still all excited to do these things and boom I get and I am done.

How does that happen?

So my beautiful wonderful little sister, lets say we work out "together" twice next week and have one spa night maybe tonight maybe Sunday?

I wish we could really be together but since that's a little hard if we do it at the same time its sorta like we are together in spirit..."when you look at the moon know I am looking at the same moon and we will be together" ya know and other sappy stuff from movies or whatever?

Let me know! we can do a spa night pic post together?

Peace (of pie) out, home-fry! 

(it's lunch time sorry)

Oh Hellooooooooo

Hey little sister!

 I just read your post (I know I am sorry I totally suck), I know what you mean,

Life is scary and when you are a grown up it's so much harder to convince yourself to take risks...But I know you can do it!

I was just telling Joey last night that I was sorry for constantly talking about moving but I do it because I feel if I don't constantly talk about the things I want I will just get lazy and forget them...

Mom was saying some crazy "if you believe it it will happen" crap (I say crap because I really don't think that's how the world works and am a little scared because I know she does, oh well) but then read a pin this morning:

I think that's more how life works vs. the believe and it will happen stuff...

So basically what I am saying is all this stuff can be scary but...working towards the things you want even on the days it all seems hopeless doesn't have to be some "grand leap of faith" sort of thing, it can be re-writing the plan, or making a list, or just talking about it or even looking at studio apartments on pinterest for ideas...it may seem like all the little plans and lists hold you back and at times they might but sometimes that's all you can do, some days/weeks/months are too hard and overwhelming and you need some safety and comfort during those times planning isn't holding back it's keeping the dream/goal/idea alive!

Don't be discouraged, chin up, one foot in front of the other, big goals and lots of lists!

(OCD life motto...no really my list making is getting a bit insane)

ADVICE: 

Easy to give, hard to follow...

Luck to us both on this and I may try to post again this week since this is really just a response to your post.

I gotta go, byeeee

Yin & Yan

I’ve been thinking about the two ways I look at my life, one part of me is constantly looking at how serious situations are.  I’ve come to learn this is my negative side.  This is the part of me that doesn’t want to get hurt, to take risks or to move forward.  After all, if you are comfortable where you are, why should you move? 

But then there is my second half that reminds me that I only get to live once so who the fuck cares what people think of me, what I wear, where I live?  This is also the side that pokes at my curiosity, my creative self, the part of me that wants to do something totally irrational because it could lead to a happier me.

I am finding it really hard to stay true to the half that makes me happy, that lets me live without fear.  THAT is the person I long to be.  If I sit here, sulking, complaining and lusting over what I don’t have then I will never feel happy, I will never feel complete.  I want to really work on reminding myself that every little thing doesn’t matter. 

Life is not as serious as my mind makes it out to be.

I don’t want Bear to grow up taking the safe way, being afraid and not living to his full potential so why should I?  I am vowing that if I don’t like something, I will change it.  If I cannot change it, I will move forward. 

I will not hold myself back.

-HP

Being okay with not being okay?

Hello sister!

So the theme of this week at my house has sort of been about body issues?

Kinda...I am not going to go into a lot of detail because ya know, it's rude and well you honestly already know all the nitty gritty of it.

Here's the thing, I always like to tell myself I was never a big "physical insecurity" person, but honestly that's only half true. I am realizing I am/was always actually pretty insecure and it took being way to tired in the morning to even think about make up and living with Joe for me to realize how insecure I am about my naked face. I am however sorta over it because I don't wear makeup everyday though I do often think "omg eeewwww" when I see myself so baby steps...

The sucky thing about being of average height and on the lowish side of average weight and not being physically deformed in any serious way is having to constantly hear that your "flaws" aren't as flawed as other peoples?

I know probably either way when people are sunk in the "I hate everything about how I look and want to hide forever black hole" there is no real talking them out, or comforting them...but at lease you can commiserate...and I get shot down when I try that so I get frustrated and it becomes insanely aggravating to hear about these things.

(I know this sounds totally conceited in a way and like a total #prettypeopleproblem and like I am totally insensitive but...it is sorta and I am sorta)

The thing about insecurities and flaws, is they aren't comparable...there is no "I am fat and you have acne, I win" because it doesn't really matter what you are insecure about what matters is how you feel about those things, how they affect your life and if you can get past them, even if your skin is a little bad or you weigh more then you did at 22 can you find a way to be happy? Can you at least like 50% of the time try and see yourself with other peoples eyes and try to just not be so hard on yourself or at least push it to the back of your thoughts?

Any ways where I was going with all this is, at least where I thought I was going?

I am a big dumb hypocrite!

(oh calm yourself, we all are)

When I said in my goals I wanted to eat better and got to the gym and drink less and get up on time, none of that was about being "healthy" that's a nice side affect but...it was about being skinny and having time to put on my make up!

So there I said it!.
New goal, try and just be okay? I am pushing 30 (sorta) I am not going to effortlessly be skin and bones, and well my face is may face so...

Not totally sure what the point of this was now that I wrote it all, mostly I am annoyed about conversations that keep happening and sad for people I really love (and find quite attractive) that they cant see themselves the way I do. I hope it all works out, it's really hard to find a balance with being okay with not being okay or I guess in other words making the best of bad situations, weather the situation is your own body, your living situation, or the fact that you can't stand humans.

Welp I think that's all I can say about that, funny thing is I was planing to do a 5 minute makeup tutorial haha...would be the total opposite but I was going to have to put a no makeup pic of my face on the internet and thinking about that (and recent happenings) sparked this...

Good luck with the re-connections sis, I hate people but they are important!

Love ya!

Sigh

We gave ourselves one goal (to each write 1 post per week) and both of us totally failed.

oops.

Anyways, I started to write a post on Tuesday and it was all angry and grump (hormones maybe?) and now I am feeling a little more zen so I am going to write about lost friendships instead.  Fun right?

It's fresh on my mind.  I hate loosing people, I think this is part of the reason I am so nasty.  I love the friends I do have, like my beautiful, magnificent sister, but I really do believe it's good to surround yourself with people you like.  Even if it's only occasionally.  So I have added (yet another) goal for this year.  I want to Reconnect & Revive some friendships and maybe even find some new ones along the way.

Friendships fall apart for all kinds of reasons.  Mine did, mainly, because of distance and a few because we really just grew apart.  But who is to say things can't be different now?  After all, we are quite grown up.  So, to be specific, my goal is to talk to each of them at least one per week (some more, sometimes less) but it's a starting point and to put in some effort when it comes to travel.  

I am just feeling kinda peachy this afternoon I guess!  I also NEED to get my butt up and do some yoga!  I love to do it, so why don't I?

Oh yes, got a physical and I am healthy.  Didn't do blood work this round but bp, lungs, weight, etc are all right where they should be so that makes me feel like I am doing something right.  It was the first appointment in a while that I didn't go in with some kind of problem.

-HP

Word vomit, failure, plans to do better?

Hello!

I am still alive.

I told my lovely sister we should each take a day and blog here once a week on that day.

I was supposed to last Friday...then I was like oh well I will do it Monday...

and here we are on Tuesday.

Let's just hope this is not a huge red flag saying there is no way I will be able to blog once a week!

I mean that's not even a hard thing to accomplish but Friday was a rough day and Mondays re Mondays so I should have never thought that would happen...anyways

I am doing pretty shit with all my goals, this winter was a big dumb bitch!

It's super hard to want to do anything when it's cold and gross I mean aside from going out to eat a lot and ordering pizza every night so that right there blew all fitness and money goals, oh well..

I am not that mad about it, there doesn't seem to be any point in beating myself up over it...

(I say that now but come find me on a bad day)

Basically where I stand now is trying little by list to get me and Joe into a better healthier situation

what that means is:

moving

(saving money, finding a place, organizing our lives)

getting healthy

(Getting Joe to the doc, eating good, working out, smoking and drinking less)

That's it, 2 things that's all I am really working for right now, because I sorta realized that all the other goals or whatever you want to call them fit in as things I need to do to make the 2 big ones happen and all the rest once we are more comfortable, and healthy will fall into place.

(I hope)

So far I haven't done too much to work towards this but, what I have done is:

-make a budget, 

well 2 of them one for our current living situation 

and one that shows what we can afford if we move

-print out a calender for the next few months

- Joe got a doctor appointment, for tomorrow so fingers crossed

- contacted a family friend about an apartment

So let's just hope this all works out...

This is my new organization method:

Basically, I am keeping print outs of every month, with a to-do list on the side and tracking spending on the back, then I also have the budgets in there.

It's not as pretty as a planner and I don't know if it will work, but it fits sorta in my wallet and if it gets too messy I can re print and copy over so I like that.

Well this week is the start of tracking spending and Joes first doctors appointment, wish us luck!

Gotta go!

(sorry this was poorly written and crappy, my brain is a mush bucket of lists, I think that feeling out of controal for so long has made me go a little nutty also it might be to toxic mold infestation in my apartment...who knows)

Ooooooooooooooooh Barracuda!

Holly here, my last post was rather sad so lets bring a little cheer to the sister blog.

First off, I am 78 days smoke free! Impressive, right?  I have also not been sick since I quit (not even one cough).

I was doing great with yoga but it's transformed into the occasional desk-side stretch at work.  I would like to get back into it and start running just as soon as the weather stops being a jerk and it warms up for more than one day at a time.

Drinking water is failing miserably, some days I drink lots of water (usually if I am home) and then most days I sit at my desk and just don't.

I do not wake up at 5:30 nor do I make lunch every morning as I had originally anticipated but since getting our new mattress, it has been much easier to get up at 6 and be to work on time so I will take that as an improvement.

I have been a super saver lately but I have still also been spending a lot so if I can balance that out better by summer, I should be on the right track.  We've made a few large purchases lately but we knew they were coming so I guess it can't be helped.

Still sucking down Starbucks like it's going out of style but hoping in the summer when it's not so damn cold in the mornings I will start making some iced coffee at home instead.  Or suck it up and switch to tea!

Overall I am feeling great.  Working more on personal attitude than physical goals as of late.  Trying to not be so angry, bitter and unlovable.  Working with the mantra "Stop. Only love today" it's a good reminder, it slows me down and makes me think twice.

That's all for now folks!